Even more trials to endure...when does it ever stop?

As the days go by I just wonder if there is any end in sight. To be able to come home to my very own home, to provide enough money to be secure enough to pay the bills and a place of my own to rent and not to have to live in the home my parents live and I was raised in. Not to mention the pain I have had to endure over the last three weeks has been very trying to say the least. In and out of the ER three times and they still don't know exactly what is going on with my hip. I just know it's painful and it hurts so bad. My boys have been so good about it but it is also so heart breaking for them to ask when are we going to move to our own home. I wonder if God is supposed to be so loving and God has a plan then why does he strip everything from my life and expect me to still find the joy in life. I could go weeks without hearing from a friend. Needless to say I lost most of them because they didn't want to deal with me and the struggles of my messy divorce. If you add it up how is a person supposed to want to keep on going. Pain (unending) in my hip, friendships-what ones are those that are close and understand anything, a job that doesn't pay enough to be on my own and yet I still wake up every morning wondering when the day will come when I feel more human and on my own. It's humiliating and embarrassing to be in my shoes. I miss the companionship of my best friend and doing things with him. He has his own reasons...partly for which are harsh, but it just adds to my further frustration. I don't even remember the last time I had a great vacation with my boys and could provide more than just an afternoon at home feeling lazy because I have no energy to go do something by myself again. It gets old. Part of me wishes I could move away and start over. A fresh beginning and make new memories. At least I wouldn't have the harsh memories this town continues to bring me and remind me of all the horrible mistakes I have made in my life. I am tired of being in pain, tired of feeling alone, tired of not being able to live on my own in my own place with myself and two boys, tired of applying to nursing schools and I can't seem to get into any of them, tired of not being able to provide the money to feel secure in raising my two boys just because I don't get any help financially. When does it turn around when I can just enjoy my boys and not feel so burdened with life and two boys completely on my shoulders. Every time I feel as though I have a best friend they suddenly disappear from my life and I hear nothing from them always for various reasons and then it's on to finding a new friend. I am tired of feeling so alone, so isolated and so inadequate because of my circumstances and constantly in pain. I just wish I had friends I could count on, a place to have friends gather and a place I can call "home." There are days I just go to sleep and cry because I am so frustrated with my situation it's not funny. I didn't ask for everything that's been served on my plate at once. They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle, I beg to differ. I have so much on my plate right now I can't even see straight. I just cry because I have too much on my plate and I can't handle the pain and frustration all of it brings. I ask God constantly, why me? What did I do to deserve the pains of all of this? How come I can't seem to have anything positive turn around in my life. I am doing everything I can to try to turn my life around and every time I try harder, I fall even harder and I am faced with more failure. I could go weeks and never hear from someone. I could be in the hospital and no one would even know if i was. This was not the life I dreamed of. It's not the life I thought I would ever be stuck living in. I just want to sit and cry because I am so frustrated. When is it my turn to actually see something positive happen and I can finally begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I can forget about me leaving my ex, the abuse and I can finally feel I am moving forward in a positive direction. I scream at God at night "when does this end? What do you want from me? You have taken everything from me? I have nothing left to give and every time I feel it's going in a positive direction, you take more away from me? I have NOTHING left. I don't even have anything left to give to anyone. Is this ever going to end?

When?

I so long to have a place of my own and to move on with my life with my boys. Yet no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am so stressed out right now it's not funny. I love my boys and so wish I had my own house and own rules to let them be boys/ kids. The longer it takes for me to get through school the longer it takes for me to have my own home. I am so frustrated right now I just want to spit nails. My boys deserve so much more. Yet here I am alone on my own with no help and trying to make it and I can't. I just want a set schedule and to have a consistent income making more money. I keep asking....God, why me? What do you want? I have given everything and yet I still am left with nothing. When is the negativity going to end and things are going to go in my favor for once? When??? I am so frustrated right now. I just want to move on with moving out and having my own house. Is that so hard and so much to ask for?

Stitches & Birthdays

Who would have imagined that my son would have split his head open two days before his birthday?!?! Austin-Ryan was simply snuggling on the couch with me since I was sick with the flu, he gets up and cracks his head on the fireplace splitting his head open. Poor kid sat in the emergency room with a gaping hole in his head for two hours before a doctor even looked at him. He then proceeded to be wrapped like a burrito and had 6 stitches in his forehead above his right eye. He's doing well now but I felt terrible about it! He simply tripped over a birthday toy he had received a day earlier. He is doing well now and got the stitches out last Friday. It's starting to heal up nicely. I am praying that he doesn't have too narly of a scar. Hopefully this Mederma for kids stuff will work well.

Speaking of birthday party, we had a GREAT party for him on September 30, 2008 at Felton Covered Bridge Park and he LOVED it! It was a fire truck theme. He absolutely loved the ice cream cupcakes mommy made with firemen/firetruck theme toppings (stickers with toothpicks), the friends he had come to enjoy his special day with him, the beautiful warm weather we had that day, and not to mention the great firemen hats they all got to wear as party favors. He had a firetruck pinata which I think he enjoyed watching mommy "smash" open to get all the candy out. He thought that was pretty cool! We all enjoyed the day. He even got to enjoy some of the toys he got after he opened all the presents. It has to be the best birthday and most positive experience I have had in enjoying the day with him. I had so much fun and it will definitely be a day to remember for years! It's the first time we have had a birthday at the park and it worked out great!! Couldn't have asked for better weather! Funny how the 4th of October (which is usually the weekend I have his birthday party) rained...as it always does. I think I finally figured out how to get his birthday at the park and get away with great weather. Have it the week before. I hope all of who ever read this know how much we are blessed and appreciate every day that God has given to us. I feel so blessed to have these two boys of mine and couldn't feel more blessed and appreciate the small little things they do. I am thankful for health, two sweet boys who are doing so well and bring so much joy to my life! I can only pray that they continue to see God's glory every day and to seek and serve him for the rest of their lives! It's what life is all about!

Blessing

Tonight was such a huge blessing that I was able to go to Keith Wander's memorial. I will forever miss him but know that everyday that goes by I am one day closer to seeing him again. He will be forever missed for sure. I was even able to meet his mom Jan and his brother Greg. Both were such a great bunch of people to meet and I certainly know how precious Keith was in their lives as well as the lives of everyone around him. His humor, laughter and so many things about him I will miss. I even discovered that we had a love for the same pie. Ollieberry pie from Gizdich. I am so saddened that it was shortly after their visit to Gizdich on that Saturday that he passed away. I often wonder what would have happened if I had called him on Friday and was able to talk to him and didn't go camping. There are so many what if's and no matter what I say it will not bring him back. My son did become a Christian on the evening of September 6, 2008 from Keith's passing. Austin-Ryan wanted to be with Keith up in Heaven someday. I will forever remember this date as my son realized that Jesus can be his best friend and we will get to see Keith again in Heaven. I long to hear Keith's voice and share with him all the happy times I have had going on as well as the struggles. I certainly miss having the chance to get together with him. He was filled with compassion, was a TRUE gentleman, humble, kind, loving, honest, caring and so much more. He was such a man of integrity and honor and it is with great saddness and grief that I have lost such a close and dear friend of mine. Someday I look forward to seeing him again. As I learned at his memorial, you are one day closer to seeing a lost loved one with each day that passes by. Don't think about how many days it has been since you last saw that person. Think about each day that passes by is one day closer to seeing your loved ones again. Such an amazing bit of truth! Well, I am getting fuzzy brained and so exhaused it's not even funny! Hopefully tomorrow I can write more. I am so glad I went to his memorial and will forever have his life engraved on my heart. May you rest in peace Keith! I must admit....I was beginning to fall in love with you! I look forward to the day we get to meet again...God Bless You Keith Roger Wander!

My Life is Yours Lord!

How do you get over the loss of someone so dear to your heart that you didn't even realize was so special in your life? I have learned I have to fully give my life to Christ knowing he's got a better plan for me and I have to come to terms with that. He knows why Keith was brough home at such a young age and I have to be satisified with the fact that Jesus knows what is best. In Keith's passing I have discovered that living my life for Christ is the ultimate desire that God has for my life and the music on KLOVE and AIR1 have become praise and worship music to me like no other time before. I want nothing to do with the world and their opinions but rather to live for an audience of one. I don't care any longer what the world's view is...I want to take upon the Lord and his fullest desire for my life. It may be many years before I get to see my Grandpa and my dear friend Keith again. Until then I want to make the Lord proud of my time here on earth. To give my time away. God gave it to me and the biggest sacrifice I can make is to give it back to him using my time to glorify him. I have lost a desire to find a mate that once was burning on my heart. I would rather use my time and efforts to glorify the Lord and make his kingdom known while I am here on earth. It has certainly been a difficult road for me and I have had many challenges in coming to terms with this. However, now knowing that I want to serve the Lord with no holdbacks and to let the world know that God is out there. I don't care what people may think or say anymore. Why should I? When I die, God is the only one to be glorified! It's put into perspective that our future is the past for God since he can see the eternity of the universe. Why should I doubt now his calling on my life. He has carried me through these last couple of days that I have not even been able to get out of bed because of the grief I have experienced. If I can get through this and he is my Best Friend...I want the world to know about my Best Friend! My son now knows and the rest of the world should know too. God, I know you are out there and I know you can hear me saying this....my LIFE is completely yours. Please use it as you see fit and have desired for my life. I want my selfish ways gone and my horrible habits to be flushed away. I want to take in your majesty, grace and wonder and marvel at your creation you have placed before me. I want to be at that table for two REGULARLY in fact so much so that my Bible begins to fall apart from reading it so much. I want my time with you and you alone! Not my books, not my job....nothing but you Lord! Make me useful while I am here. Even though I would love to be in Heaven right now praising your name and eternally joyful my day isn't just yet. I don't even know how many years or days I have before me but I am tired of trying to live up to everyone's standards. I am yours now Lord. Do with me as you may. I am a child who has finally figured out who is boss and I am tired of driving. I just want to sit in the back seat and sleep a while....while you take me around and show me the way. May this be my prayer and may my boys be witness to this so that they may burn with passion for you as I do now. May they be servants for your Kingdom and bring others to your glory. Father comfort me now in this saddness and use it for your glory! In Your Precious Name...Amen!

Saddness...

Back in June I met a few guys who drove up on their Harley Davidson's. After talking with them they were from a group called Cross Motorcycle Ministries. There was one guy who offered to let me sit on his bike with my boys. My boys and I got a chance to sit on his bike and this guy, Keith, took pictures. He gave me his card to email him to get the pictures. I have been talking to him ever since. He has been dear to my heart and I just found out last night that he was killed in a motorcycle accident on August 30th, 2008. He was only 45. He's name was Keith Wander. He will be missed by many!!! He touched the lives of so many out there. Here is a poem I wrote in memory of someone who inspired me in so many ways. It will be so difficult to keep going knowing he is gone. Of course God will have to get me through this one because I have cried so much it's not funny! I felt as though he was close to a best friend. And now he is gone. We will all miss him and if I am like most we are all still in shock over this TERRIBLE tragedy! You went too soon Keith. Here's to you dear friend......

In Memory Of Keith Wander:
A man of wisdom
Who inspired so many.
Had dreams left to fulfill
And goals left to check off.
He was taken in God's timing
And not of ours.
He believed in God
And I believe He's in Heaven now
Looking down on us all.
Enjoying the beauty of Heaven
Perfect, majestic and whole
Far beyond what we can imagine
Being here on earth
Until we get to Heaven ourselves.
He touched the lives of many
And shared the Love of Christ
To many more.
We will miss your laughter,
You personality, encouragement & prayers.
We will miss so many things about you!
For you will always hold a place so dear
In all of our lives and remain in our hearts forever.
We will ride in the wind with you in memory.
Wish you didn't have to leave so soon Keith!
You will always remain in our hearts.
Thank you for touching our lives
We will miss you and love you.
Until we meet again,
May you Rest in Peace
And enjoy all that Heaven has to offer
Sitting beside the Ruler of the World....Jesus Christ!

To: Keith Roger Wander
Written By: Karina Zentner
Written: September 6, 2008
Copyright: 2008

I miss you so much....How do you replace someone like him...you don't. It's a void that will be there forever! Thank you for blessing my life and touching my life in so many ways. Until we meet again.....May you truly rest in peace and enjoy Heaven with our Savior at your side.....

Something funny...

I just had to post this because it was so funny. This morning Brendan, Austin-Ryan and I were snuggling on the couch watching a few shows of PBS and then they went off to playing with trains. My Dad and Mom woke up. My Dad comes out to the living room looking and watching the boys. Brendan looks up at my Dad (he calls him Papa) and says in his sweet gentle voice (being he's only 2 1/2), "Oh, it's just you." My Dad looks at me and says I guess my power is all gone. I just laughed. It was pretty funny!